Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018
I’m starting my end-of-year reflection on Christmas Day. 2017 has been an absolute roller coaster. My worst nightmare came true this year. Yet, this year also brought some of the most amazing experiences of my life. It’s so hard to reconcile.
Double Loss: Last year on Christmas Day, my grandmothers FaceTimed each other. Oh, how I loved technology that day. This was the only way for them to communicate, and unbeknownst to me, it would be the last time that they spoke to each other. They made plans to have tea one day soon, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I lost my Grandma Frankie 4/1/2017. I was in the room when she took her last breath. I lost my GrandmaVell 7/17/2017. I was in the room when she took her last breath. I prayed desperately for both to stay alive. With my Grandma Frankie, it was cancer and it only took 4 months. With my GrandmaVell, what was supposed to be a short hospital stay turned into a hospice situation out of nowhere. I was there every day that she was in hospice. I made every bargain with God to let her live. Yes, she was 85, but I felt that she had more time left. I feel like they both had time left. I’ve dreaded losing my grandparents all of my life and to lose two in one year was unfathomable. It was an out of body experience. Some days life goes on as normal. Other days, I just weep and sob—I can’t hold it in. I just can’t believe they’re gone. I experienced all of this while training for...
The Chicago Marathon 2017: I still think I was insane for signing up. I’m not a runner & I’m not happy with my weight. I definitely was not in physical shape, nor was I mentally prepared. Why I decided to take the leap of faith and run this race is truly beyond me. But once I start something, I have to finish. I ran on behalf of charity, so I definitely couldn’t give up. Training while mourning is not ideal, to say the least. On most days, I just wanted to stay in bed & cry myself to sleep. “What did I get myself into?” was the question I woke up with every day. On top of that, I heard the whispers of several people doubting me. They’d smile & encourage me to my face, but behind my back they’d say, “She won’t make it.” As hurtful as that was, I have to thank those people. They gave me the push I needed to prove them wrong. It was a pleasure watching their face as I wore my finisher medal around my neck. 😏 I have no doubt that my grandmas were with me that day—lifting me to the finish line.
David Sedaris: Another amazing experience this year was meeting one of my literary heroes—David Sedaris. I attended his book signing at Anderson’s in Naperville. He signed my copies of his books & chatted with me for several minutes. He told a few jokes, inquired about my life, and gave me the most encouraging words possible. Some may not know this, but I’d really like to try my hand at being a writer in some professional capacity. I’m looking for career fulfillment & in the next few years, I will transition out of teaching (K-12 education). He offered practical advice for writing, finding a good editor, and getting some of my work published. For this, I’m forever grateful. What’s more, it was just cool meeting such a funny & charming guy. Speaking of funny & charming guys...
Christopher Guest: I also met Christopher Guest (aka Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap) this year. He signed my vinyl copy of “National Lampoon Lemmings” and also answered my questions. I am such a fan of his work & couldn’t believe I was talking to him. Those who know me also understand my passions for acting & music, so to meet an acclaimed actor/writer/musician was a dream come true. Oh, and Jamie Lee Curtis was about a foot from me!
This is really a small glimpse into how 2017 has been the best of times & the worst of times. Just when things were going well—a bomb dropped. When I was at my lowest, something amazing would happen out of the blue. This thing called life is not for the faint of heart. It can be both cruel & beautiful.
I don’t even know how to prepare for 2018. Some things that I’m hoping for are:
1) Continued reconnection with old friends. I’ve LOVED reconnecting with certain people this year & developing new friendships with them as mature adults.
2) Making new friends. I’ve been such an introvert my whole life & have literally been scared of meeting new people for fear of rejection. Now I’m ready to be more social and develop new relationships. I can’t hide in my room my whole life, even though it scares me to leave my comfort zone.
3) Working on my self-confidence. Unfortunately, some really negative experiences from my past have caused me to have low self-esteem. I’ve never liked the way I looked, talked, walked, etc. I’m a work in progress. I’m actively taking steps to look & feel more confident. Talk about a late bloomer—I’m just starting to become more of a swan at age 27.
4) A good relationship. I say this right before every new year. I see my friends getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m so happy for them, but I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit that I’m heartbroken for me. I’ve been patient all of these years & I’ll continue to be patient because I’d rather wait for the right one instead of settling for the wrong one. But I am getting older & it does get harder every year. But my heart is too valuable to just compromise for the sake of not wanting to be single. I know I’ll be a fantastic wife & mother one day. Any guy would be lucky to have me. Whenever it’s meant to be, it will be. At this rate, it doesn’t look like it’ll happen before I’m 30 so I just need to accept this reality & move on. 😂
5) Mental Health. Every day brings it own set of challenges. As an HSP, I am continuing to work on my mental health & I’m so grateful for the friends who check on me & help pull me up when I am low. Thank you for being there, for not giving up on me, and for not making me feel like I’m a burden.
This was long, but boy do I feel better getting all of this off my chest. I am also happy that I am blogging again and using this medium to express my thoughts, feelings, observations, and beliefs.
Happy new year and I hope 2018 brings you the best.
